


Shiver

by the_realduck



Series: Freezing [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 11:44:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3528167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_realduck/pseuds/the_realduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The closer Dean got to Castiel's townhouse, the more it felt like his heart was going to burst right out of his chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shiver

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [acidbathory](http://archiveofourown.org/users/acidbathory/profile) for the beta!

Ever since he drove past the city limits, Dean's heartbeat had sped up. The closer Dean got to Castiel's townhouse, the more it felt like his heart was going to burst right out of his chest. He gripped the wheel until his knuckles turned white; the loud thump in his head the sound as he parked in front of the building.

It felt as if the air had become to heavy, weighing down on his lungs and constricting his airflow; he didn't want to leave the impala, not knowing what he will find. Dean didn't even know if Castiel still lived here, it wouldn't be unthinkable for him to have moved in the months that Dean had been gone.

Eventually he couldn't sit still anymore; the longer he sat, the more he convinced himself that this was fruitless. He gathered all of his courage, and left the car, the slam of the door strengthening his resolve. Dean felt frozen as he headed to the front door. He had walked this path countless times; he had expected something to be changed in the months he had been gone, but everything was eerily similar. He stopped in front of the door and pulled at his jacket to shield himself from the icy wind. Before he could lose his nerve, he reached for the doorbell.

As the chimes sounded inside the house, Dean felt his stomach drop. For a moment there was silence, but then as a nearly inaudible tap of footsteps came from inside, Dean thought he would be ill. The lock clicked and the knob twisted, and before Dean could think, Castiel stood before him. In that one moment, Dean couldn't breathe. The sight of the man that had been appearing in his dreams and haunting his thoughts for months was almost too much, he was overwhelmed by the urge to pull Cas into his arms.

The shocked look in those blue eyes brought him back to reality, and Dean inhaled sharply, the frigid air stinging his nose. He opened his mouth to speak, but none of the words that he had rehearsed came to his mind. His thoughts were blank, when his mouth moved without his permission, forming a soft, "Cas..."

The man in front of him was so familiar, and yet distant. He hadn't changed much physically in the time Dean had been gone, yet Castiel seemed older somehow. More stiff, cold, and it broke Dean's heart that he had been the one to cause this to happen to his warm, beautiful man. Castiel cleared his throat and looked away, causing Dean to realize that they had been staring for much longer than was appropriate.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm," Dean's mouth was dry. "I just wanted too..." He scrambled to find the words he wanted to say. How could he possibly describe to Cas how pointless and bleak life was without him? Dean couldn't look him in the eye as he shuffled where he stood. "I - I couldn't stand to be away." Cas' face was void of any emotion when Dean glanced his way quickly, the shock from before had melted into indifference. Dean felt the words bubble up, and he couldn't help anything that came out of his mouth. "I was an idiot, Cas. I am - I didn't know what to do, so I panicked and left, but everything was so much worse without you and I know you can't forgive me, hell, I don't think I can forgive me, but I couldn't stay away and let you keep thinking..." Dean swallowed as he ran out of words and fell silent, chest heaving as he tried to get a grip.

Castiel was still staring at him, expressionless, but out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw his hand trembling slightly where it clutched at the doorframe.

"Keep thinking what?" Castiel asked quietly.

Dean shivered, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Keep thinking that I didn't- that I don't love you."

There was a small exhale from Cas, like he had been holding his breath. Dean looked up to find him shaking his head slightly. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself and closed his eyes for a moment.

When Castiel opened them again, the tiny flare of hope that had been burning in Dean vanished, and the telltale rush of oncoming tears stung at his eyes.

"Right, yeah," he nodded, and looked away quickly, "I just. I just wanted you to know, and now you do so-I'll go." Dean willed himself not to cry as his mind flooded with self deprecation. He brought this on himself, it's not as if he expected anything else, Cas knows now, that's all he wanted, but despite this mantra that ran through his head, he couldn't help but feel his breath start to catch in his chest.

He took one look back at Cas to nod his goodbye, and was ensnared by those blue eyes again. Dean wished Cas would've screamed at him, hit him, slammed the door in his face, anything but this cold indifference.

"Goodbye, Dean." Cas said with finality. The door shut behind him, and left Dean still standing on the front step, feeling like his lungs were about to collapse. Dean stumbled toward the impala, numb as he opened the door and climbed into the driver's seat.

On autopilot, he started the car and pulled away from the curb. Minutes passed, and when he parked again, he found himself at a small parking lot near the ocean; a place he and Cas used to visit often before...before. He had no memory of the drive there but that didn't worry him as much as it should, because that was the moment his numbness chose to fade away, leaving him broken in the face of the cold harsh reality.

Dean rested his head against the steering wheel as the tears overflowed, and no matter how much he told himself that he deserved this and that he hadn't expected any other outcome, he couldn't fight the hopelessness he felt.

He couldn't even tell himself that things would be okay, because he knew it wouldn't.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is loved.


End file.
